Crisis of Faith

For those of you who don't know, my sweet husband, Dave, has had numerous health issues for almost three years. It was May 4, 2007, when I first learned that he had been in pain all that week. Dave is a software consultant and normally travels 50 weeks each year. I remember that date specifically because he had come home a couple of days early to help me prepare our house for our first party. We had moved into our house in February of that same year and were finally settled in and ready to entertain. We were expecting about 30-40 people that Saturday evening.

Dave's pain from that week never abated, in fact, it worsened. After going through many tests, procedures, exams and doctors, Dave's first surgery was in July of 2007. Since that surgery, he has had a total of six surgeries and all six have been connected in some way to the spine. Two neck surgeries, one back, one hip and surgery on both arms and wrists. It occurs to me at this point, that perhaps it is no coincidence that all of these health problems are some way connected to the spine. The spine is the backbone of the body. It is basically what holds the body up straight and helps to hold the body together, so to speak. The husband is the priest of the home - the "backbone," if you will. He helps hold the family together. Hmmm...definitely something to think about there. But, back to my original thoughts...Most of the time during these three years I have had all the faith I needed to believe for Dave's healing. Yes, I questioned why he wasn't healed, but I never doubted or lacked faith. Until a few weeks ago when I realized I had no faith left. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

A week or two after I realized I no longer had faith to believe for Dave's healing, my priest's sermon and article was "When Belief is Not Enough." Coincidence? I think not. Here is an excerpt from an email I sent to him after his article was published in a local paper:

Your sermon on Sunday and this week's article are most timely for me. I find
myself in a place I have never been before. Even when my first husband left and when my teenage daughter was pregnant, and all the details and circumstances that surrounded those two situations, I never doubted God's faithfulness. I never doubted His presence. Yes, there were times of questioning, times of being in a spiritually dry land, but even then, in the deep recesses of my heart, I knew God was there. Now, I am at the point of "I simply cannot believe."

Dave has been in pain twenty-four hours, seven days a week for two years and nine months. We have prayed for his healing; he has been prayed for by numerous people, he has been anointed with oil and prayed for; and he has been prayed for by people he doesn't know and who don't know him. Not only have we not seen any healing of a measurable amount, but in actuality, he is no better and probably some worse than he was almost three years ago when this started. Dave says he has resigned himself that "this is the way it's going to be." And I guess that's where I am because I can no longer believe that God will heal him.

After I wrote and sent this to my priest, I let this situation go. Completely. Let. It. Go. After all, if I no longer had faith to believe for Dave's healing, why worry about it? Over the next several days I began to notice that I had peace about this situation. I had not done anything different-I hadn't prayed in a different manner and I certainly hadn't increased my faith - so why was I at peace? I had let go. Completely. Let. It. Go. And when I did and stopped worrying about Dave's health, THEN God was able to give me peace. And with peace, comes faith and with faith, comes freedom. I am no longer worried about Dave's health.

Spine - the backbone of the body. Priest of the home - backbone of the home. Definitely something to think about.

MARANATHA!


(C) 2010 Edwina E. Cowgill